


feeling like someone, like somebody else

by tumemxnques



Category: The 1975 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, M/M, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24358957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tumemxnques/pseuds/tumemxnques
Summary: and this one word hurts matty so much he swears to himself he won't go near a skirt ever again.
Relationships: George Daniel/Matthew Healy
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	feeling like someone, like somebody else

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this because i'm angry and i want people to think. yes, he shouldn't have said the f word, no, you don't have to attack him for it the way some of you do. i've seen absolutely horrible things on twitter and i just want you to consider his feelings, too, if only just for a moment. he got insulted when he still had his cute curls and was wearing one of the skirts he loved, he said that. from one day to the next he stopped wearing skirts, cut his hair and looked like a completely different person. to me, he now looks just sad and tired a lot of the time, and although he's made a huge mistake doesn't mean he deserves half the shit he's getting. i'm sure he knows now, so if you could stop attacking him it would be appreciated, i'm sure. he's just human. educate him, but do it respectfully. i needed to get this off my chest because some things now make sense to me and it hurts me to think about it.
> 
> i do use the f word too in this work, so leave now if you don't want to see it. i also want to say that i don't support people that use it against others in any way, i am gay myself and i don't want this word said to anyone, but this man obviously said it so i let him say it in the story too, censored it tho. stay safe reading it, please, i love you.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS
> 
> SLURS  
> HOMOPHOBIA  
> DEPRESSION  
> SUICIDAL THOUGHTS  
> DRUG USE
> 
> also, just comment if you have nice things to say about him. there's enough drama on twitter, i don't need it here.

Matty is buzzing with energy as they make their way into the airport. He won't stop talking about the day and George gives him a heartfelt smile. His cheeks are pink and his white skirt flutters around him in the hot American air as he jumps up and down in excitement. George thinks it's adorable. Ross and Adam follow close behind them. The airport isn't too full at this time of the day, but there is one single man sitting on one of the many chairs, eyeing Matty up and down in disgust. George has a weird feeling as they approach him, but fights the weird urge to wrap his arms around Matty and take him away right now. When they are almost next to the man, he sits up straight and spits: "Fucking f*g." Matty stops dead in his tracks and every color fades from his face. He just stares at the man in disbelief. "Look at you, the long hair, the skirt, a disgrace, that's what you are, a useless little f*ggot." A hurt noise escapes Matty's throat, it's quiet, but George hears it nonetheless. He lets his bag drop to the ground and makes his way over to the man. It's obvious he's drunk, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. Before he can hit the man straight in the face, Ross grasps his arm and holds him back. "Don't," he murmurs. "It's not worth it. Take care of Matty instead." George tries to break free, he's just so angry. No one gets to take the happiness away from his Matty. "He needs you," Ross mumbles under his breath and George gives in. He turns around to see Matty staring down at himself in distress, Adam holding his shoulders and whispering something to him. "Yes, go take care of your little boyfriend," the man laughs behind him and it takes every ounce of self control for George not to kill him then and there. "Hey," he whispers to Matty. "Let's go." Matty doesn't answer nor move, but let's himself being pushed forward by George, who grows more worried with every second. They board, but even as they sit in their seats, Matty just stares at his lap in silence. "Matty," George whispers and nudges his chin up with his fingertip. "What's wrong?" His friend just shakes his head and grips two handfuls of his white skirt. "Is it because of the shit the man said?" Matty doesn't answer, but George knows he's right anyway. "Mate, don't listen to him. He was an idiot." When Matty looks up at him, big tears run over his cheeks. "He called me a f*g, Georgie," he whimpers. "Oh Matty," George says and pulls Matty to his chest. "It's gonna be fine." Matty is shaking terribly in his arms, so George holds him tighter. "Why can't people let me be happy?" he sobs and George can feel his heart clench painfully in his chest. "Shh," he just makes and presses a kiss to Matty's head. "Hey," a familiar voice says behind them and George looks up to see Ross and Adam standing there with worried expressions all over their faces. "Matty," Adam starts quietly, but doesn't know what to say. George softly strokes Matty's back and sighs. Ross bites his lip and shakes his head. "He was drunk, it's not like his opinion mattered anyway." Matty shakes his head too and sniffles. "I should dress appropriately for a man. He has a point. It's pathetic to think I could pull this off." George frowns. "There's plenty of men who wear women's clothes, Matty. It's fine." Matty looks at him with his big brown eyes. "They were made for it. They know what they want. They know who they are. And they look so beautiful and confident, I wish I could be that, too." Adam shrugs. "You can, Matty." Matty just shakes his head, as Ross nods in agreement with Adam. He proceeds to stare out of the window and ignores everything his friends say. When it is time to start, Adam and Ross have to sit down and George looks at Matty. "Hey," he whispers, but his best friend doesn't react. Tears are running down his reddened cheeks, but he keeps quiet. Occasionally, he breathes in through his mouth because his nose is stuffed. His breathing is shaky and George just wants to hug him again. He takes Matty's hand in his, but Matty pulls it out of his reach again. "Holding my hand won't make people assume things, you know," George mumbles bitterly and Matty snorts. "Wearing a skirt did." George has to fight the urge to roll his eyes. "Why do you care? You've always supported the community." Matty looks at him for the first time in what felt like ages. His eyes are red, his nose running and his lips bitten bloody. "Because it's so much more complicated than that, George. I thought you had caught up on that by now." He is right. He should have. There has been a time when he could read Matty like a book. When they got separate flats, it changed. But if he was being honest with himself, when Matty started wearing skirts, he hasn't thought too much into it, because he was Matty, and things like that seemed just fitting to his personality. He mentally scolds himself for that now. He should've been there to listen. "I'm sorry," is all he can blurt out, his mind is blank. Matty doesn't say a thing and turns his head back to the window. 

When he sees Matty again, it's not in person. He's posted a picture of himself on Instagram, his hair cut short, a loose fitting pair of pants, boots, and a dark shirt on. George swallows. What is going on? He decides to invite Matty over, but of course his friend declines. He sighs and puts his phone away again. It's obvious Matty wants to start a new chapter in his life, proving to himself that he knows who he is and what he wants, but George feels like he is just lying to himself. He drags himself upstairs and falls on the empty bed. He buries his face in the wrinkled pillow on the right side and it still faintly smells like Matty. He fights back tears as he gets up and reaches for the little bundle behind his shirts. He pulls it out and falls to the floor when he holds it in his hand. He bursts into tears when looks at the dark red, long-sleeved dress in his hands. The plan has been to take Matty out for dinner and he has bought the dress for that exact occasion. But now, he can forget about that. He buries his face in the soft fabric as he sobs until he has no tears left to cry. 

Matty stares at himself in the mirror one night, high on god knows how much weed, but all he feels is sadness. He puts his hands on the sink and moves closer to the mirror. His hair is so incredibly short and unkempt, his face pale, his eyes dark and tired. The weird shirt he is wearing doesn't help. He hates everything he sees. He lets out a guttural scream as he hits his reflection fist first and the mirror breaks into a thousands little pieces. Like my heart, Matty thinks and breaks down crying. He wants to call George, but he doesn't. 

Notes on a Conditional Form is released and George lives with Matty again. Mayhem, their new puppy is sitting on George's lap as he types away on his laptop, whilst Matty is participating in the listening party on Twitter and simultaneously does a livestream on Instagram. After awhile, he can see Matty's energy disappearing, as his best friend falls back to the floor. He lights his second joint of the night and looks so incredibly tired all George wants is to bring him to bed. He brings him some food instead and ushers Mayhem over, because Matty adores his dog, and whilst George doesn't seem to be able to make Matty happy anymore, the little Cane Corso still can. When the listening party is over, Matty looks at him with empty eyes. "'m tired, George," he whispers. George nods and gets up to take Mayhem from Matty's lap. He then kneels next to his best friend and smiles. "Bed?" Matty looks at him and George understands. "No," he whispers and shakes his head. "You're not leaving. I refuse to think of a future where you don't exist." Matty sighs and buries his face in his hands. The only thing giving away that he's crying are his trembling shoulders. George pulls him in and rests his chin on Matty's hunched back. "It's gonna be okay." Matty sobs loudly and George squeezes his eyes shut. It hurts. "They hate me," Matty cries and George holds him tighter. "Everything I do is wrong." George shakes his head as a tear escapes his eyes. "You're just thinking that, Matty. It's your mind telling you things." Matty hiccups softly. "I'm just so tired and sick of pretending. I just want to be myself. But I don't even know who that is anymore." George breathes in deeply. "I'll help you figure it out, okay? We'll do it together. One step at a time." Matty nods and buries his face in George's warm chest. He smells like home, his heartbeat is steady under Matty's fingertips. He's so glad George is here again. "Bed?" George asks again and Matty nods this time. "Only if you come with." George raises an eyebrow. It's been a while since they've shared a bed. "You sure?" Matty looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "Would I ask you if I wasn't?" George snorts and picks Matty up to carry him to bed. When they close their eyes, Matty curled up at George's chest, who has his arms protectively wrapped around the other, they both feel like maybe they can do this. Maybe things are gonna be okay. 

George needs a few things from his flat, so he and Matty decide to drive there. George rummages through his cupboard in the bathroom, whilst Matty is looking for a certain shirt he's always liked and wanted to steal from his friend. He knows George won't mind. He can't find it though, so he goes through the laundry basket, but his breath hitches and his heart drops when he pulls out a dark red dress instead. "Georgie?" he shouts and hates how his voice trembles. "Yes?" George asks and looks out of the bathroom. Matty turns to him and George's face turns pale. "Do you have a new girlfriend I don't know about?" He ignores how much he hates the idea of that. "No," George admits, but knows that he is properly fucked now. He should've just thrown it away. "Then what is this?" Matty is confused. "Nothing," George mumbles and looks at the floor. "It's not nothing, George. Answer me." George's head snaps upwards. "I bought it for you, okay?" he shouts and Matty can see tears in his eyes, threatening to spill. "But then this stupid guy at the airport insulted you and ruined everything!" Matty gulps. "Just put it back, please. Hurry, I'll meet you at the car." With that, George takes his bag and storms out of the flat. Matty stares at the dress in his hands and his heart aches. He stuffs it into the duffel bag, a few shirts along with it, before he closes it and goes to follow George. The car ride home is dead silent. 

"Okay, would you like it if I cooked some pasta tonight? Just you and me and a nice dinner?" Plates clatter where George is working in the kitchen and Matty beams. George looks good tonight and he would love to surprise him. "Yes, please." George smiles to himself. "Give me about half an hour, yeah?" Matty hugs him from behind. "Alright. I'll be there." George laughs and Matty does too, letting go of him. He jumps upstairs to his bedroom and hesitates for a moment, as he stands in front of his open closet. He takes a deep breath before he pulls the red dress from the back of it. He looks at it in his hands and then at himself in the mirror. George has bought it for him. He wants to wear it. Fuck it. He goes to the bathroom and changes. When the dress fits perfectly, he doesn't even bat an eyelash. George knows every inch of his body like a prayer, so it's not exactly a surprise. He opens the cupboard under the sink and hits his head when he tries to find the little bag of makeup. He curses under his breath, but finds it eventually. He hasn't worn makeup in ages, but muscle memory makes it easy for him to apply. Just as he finishes his dark red lipstick, George calls from downstairs. He smacks his lips and stares at himself in the mirror. George has gotten a new one when he's moved in, no questions asked. His hair is short now, because he has decided to shave it all down to one length so he could let it grow again. He looks cute nonetheless, the neckline of the dress exposing part of his chest tattoo. "Matty?" he hears again. "Coming," he shouts back and hurries downstairs. George has set the table, two plates with pasta on it, a candle in the middle. Tears come to Matty's eyes but he blinks them away, because he doesn't want to ruin his makeup now. "Wow," he mumbles and George turns to him. His eyes go wide and he gasps. They just look at each other and Matty wants the ground to open and let him disappear. "Wow yourself," George then says and Matty's worries disappear. He blushes and twirls a little, showing the beauty of the dress off. George shakes his head, still looking shocked. "Why?" Matty shrughs. "You bought it for me." His friend shakes his head. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable for me." But Matty just grunts. "I'm more than comfortable, Georgie. I love this dress. I still love women's clothes and makeup and all these things. I wish I had never pushed them away, but it's been so hard after-" He trails off, but George knows what he's talking about. "It's okay," he mumbles. He takes a few steps towards Matty, before he stops again. "Fuck, you're so beautiful, you have no idea." Matty giggles and blushes again. "Thanks." George slowly closes the gap between them and takes his time letting his fingers run up Matty's arms, hips, chest, face. He sighs heavily. "Better than I've imagined," he whispered and pressed a kiss to Matty's forehead. "Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful," he whispers over and over again into Matty's hair. All that's missing are the curls. But they'll grow back, he knows. "The food is getting cold," Matty mumbles eventually and George laughs. "Yeah." He lets go of Matty, who clears his throat. "George? Do you think I could go back to wearing skirts and dresses more regularly? Maybe just around the flat, it'll take a while before I can wear them outside again but-" George nods. "Sure. Whatever makes you happy. I think you look extra pretty in them, so I'm not one to complain." Matty laughs and playfully hits George's chest, before he sits down. George follows his example and they start eating. "Thanks for the food, it's amazing," Matty mumbles through a mouthful of spaghetti after a deep sigh. "Sure," George answers. "By the way, I've seen this super cute skirt online-" 


End file.
